Dear Dabby: “My husband is choosing marijuana over our marriage”
“Dear Abby” is a column in the New York Post where people send in their relational problems and ask Abby - Abigail Van Buren aka Jeanne Phillips – for help. “Abby” provides common sense responses meant to help the women in question.
While I don’t read “Dear Abby” myself, I do have an alert for anything cannabis-related on the internet and this time around Abby got a concerned letter from someone who referred to themselves as “Anti-Drug”.
To be fair, I actually found myself wholeheartedly with Abby on her response to the woman’s request and decided to expand on it on a section called “Dear Dabby” – where a red-eyed ganja plant answers relational questions.
But first…how about some context.
Dear Abby’s original question…
I have been with my husband for seven years, and I’m tired of having the same fight every day. He smokes marijuana, and I hate it. It has been a constant battle for years. We tried therapy, which helped for a while, but he goes back to smoking behind my back. We tried to reach a compromise that he smoke only after a certain time of day, but it still leads to fights.
He shuts me out when he’s doing drugs and says I don’t care about his happiness because it’s something he enjoys, that I am taking it away. I love him so much, but I hate drugs and don’t like who he becomes when he’s smoking.
I want to have a baby, but I am uncomfortable with drugs being in the house. I feel like I can’t trust him to be alone with a baby when he’s high. I don’t want to leave him, but I can’t take it anymore. Having the same fight every day is exhausting, and it’s had a really negative impact on our marriage. I want him to choose me over this, but if I give him an ultimatum, he’ll hate me. What do I do? — ANTI-DRUG IN ILLINOIS - SOURCE
In essence, “Anti-Drug” is in a relationship where one person consumes cannabis while the other is fervently against it…even to the point of self-identifying as “anti-drug” ironically slurping down a Starbucks coffee. Okay, maybe she’s not slurping coffee, but I’m almost certain that come Pumpkin Spice season, she’s in line for her “fix”.
But I digress.
According to her plight, they have been “at it” for years and have already tried therapy, compromises, etc. At the end of the day it’s a battle of ideology and I’ll expand on that later as “Dabby”, but first – let’s see what Abby had to say.
Give your husband that ultimatum and pack your bags. If you prefer the father of your child not have a marijuana habit and he cannot quit, then, as much as you may love him, this person isn’t The One for you. Sorry. – Abby, NY Post
Abby is correct. In the case of “Anti-Drug”, there is no point in trying to force someone to do something they don’t want to do. If they want to keep on smoking weed, it’s not that they “choose” the substance over you, it’s because you made them choose – you’re creating conditions.
And this is perfectly okay for any type of relationship. There are “deal breakers” in relationships and it’s these “deal breakers” that establish the norms of the relationship. Without these boundaries – you can’t really call yourself a “couple” because you haven’t committed to the expectations of the relationship.
Having said that, as Abby mentions – the husband is probably going to stick with weed. And I’ll tell you why…but as… DABBY!
**lighter noises**
**long steady inhalation**
**cough cough**
Dear Anti Drug (It’s Dabby here!)
While I wholeheartedly agree with Abby in terms of your relationship being over, there’s a lot of room for growth available as a result of your impending break up. You see, I have written extensively about cannabis relationships in the past and if there is one thing that I have seen time and time again, it’s that when there is a fundamental disagreement between cannabis use and abstention – there’s always conflict.
Usually the source of conflict is the “non-user” as I’m sure your husband mellows out when he smokes cannabis and only acts weird or defensive when confronted by his use.
This isn’t to say that you aren’t entitled to a “drug free environment”, it’s simply pitting your ideological stance against that of your “love” for this man. You see, there are elements of the person you like, but you failed to accept them for who they are and prefer a version of them that they might not want to be. They now feel “conditioned” to live according to your expectation and when that happens, the relationship takes a hit because one is right whereas the other is wrong.
Unless you are able to accept your husband for who he is, with his cannabis smoking and all, and learn to trust him around kids – then you can save your relationship. However, that will also mean that you have to give up something – your views on cannabis and drugs in general.
I don’t fault you for your position on drugs. Perhaps your family raised you in a home where you believe all drugs are bad (except the pharmaceuticals) or perhaps you had a bad experience with it. Irrespective, it seems that your mind is pretty much made up on the idea of drugs and as a result, you have already given your husband his ultimatum.
Your husband had already responded too, which means now the ball is once again in your court. Do you love him more than you hate drugs? Or is the mere thought of him being high repulse you so much that you’ll never be fully open to be with him in a way that a nurturing relationship works?
These are the tough questions you’re going to have to ask yourself over the next few weeks and while I know that you won’t read this article – I also speak to other people who are in a relationship where one person wants you to give up smoking. If you don’t want to, if you truly don’t think it’s wrong – don’t give up your habit.
If the person is more important than your habitual smoking, then you may give it a try, however, it rarely works to censor yourself for someone else. It simply means that the person cannot accept you for who you are and needs a condition to be with you.
If there is a condition to be with someone, then there is no real love. Of course, we need to respect each other, make space for each other, and try to accommodate ourselves to make the other person feel heard and loved – but the moment we start drawing lines in the sand we lose the glue of a relationship.
Therefore, “anti-drug”, I’d highly recommend you reexamine your views on drugs in general. They don’t “change” people as much as you think. Non-cannabis smokers often associate the “high” with being drunk, when it’s completely on opposite spectrums.
Nonetheless, you are entitled to your beliefs and for your next relationship, find someone who love doing a “deal breaker” in your relationship.
Establish your boundaries, respect yourself – and if someone places conditions for their love…then they don’t really love you but the thought of you…
MARIJUANA AND MARRIAGE, READ ON...
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