cannabis advocacy groups

Washington D.C. has seen no shortage of letters flooding the White House lately, each one desperately vying for President Trump's attention on cannabis policy. It's like watching rival children write to Santa, except instead of asking for toys, they're fighting over drug schedules and criminal justice reform.

On one side, we have Smart Approaches to Marijuana (SAM), clutching their pearls and begging Trump to keep cannabis locked away in Schedule I forever. On the other side, the Drug Policy Alliance (DPA) is pushing for complete descheduling, arguing that half-measures won't cut it. Both groups are sending increasingly frantic missives, each trying to convince the President that their opponents are essentially the policy equivalent of coal-worthy bad kids.

What follows are the fictional exchanges I imagine these organizations might be writing to Trump – public letters that read like a bizarre pen pal relationship between two ideologically opposed advocacy groups, each desperately trying to win over America's most unpredictable president

SAM’s first letter to Trump: Your Biggest Fan Since Day One

I've been a huge fan of prohibition since the early days – I was there cheering when we locked up those violent criminals for possession of a plant! Those were the good times, Mr. President, when we could sleep soundly knowing that dangerous cannabis users were safely behind bars where they belonged.

Besides, weed is bad. So many people have said so! And the children – won't somebody please think of the children! Every time someone lights up a joint, somewhere a child's brain turns to mush. It's science, Mr. President. Very sad science.

Dear Mr. President, if you could just keep cannabis illegal for me and my concerned suburban friends, it would be tremendous. We promise to write you glowing reviews on Yelp and maybe even invite you to our book club where we discuss the dangers of hemp clothing.

P.S. Please ignore those smelly hippies who want to legalize it. They probably don't even own MAGA hats.

Sincerely yours in prohibition,
Kevin S. (definitely not influenced by Big Pharma)

DPA’s First Letter: The 5D Chess Move Nobody Saw Coming

Dear President Trump,

I recently heard you were considering rescheduling cannabis, which would be great, but you know what would be even greater? Completely descheduling it! That would be the 5D chess move no one would see coming – it would cement you in history as America's greatest drug policy reformer.

I know those SAM kids have been sending you letters trying to keep it illegal, but let's be real here – they've been in bed with all those political opponents who supported the Russia Hoax. They aren't your friends, Mr. President. In fact, I heard they get funding from pharmaceutical companies. You know, those same companies you've been fighting against with RFK Jr.!

Great job with Kennedy dealing with Big Pharma, by the way. Now let's finish the job and completely remove cannabis from the CSA altogether! Show those corporate cronies who's boss!

Respectfully,
The Drug Policy Alliance (your new best friends)

SAM: Babies Injecting Marijuana and Other Totally Real Concerns

Dear Mr. President,

First, let me say you're doing a tremendous job. Those South Park episodes making fun of you don't know what they're talking about – you're clearly the most stable genius we've ever had in office.

I heard those troublemakers at DPA want you to completely deschedule cannabis – that's a terrible idea! Can you imagine what would happen? Babies would be injecting marijuana directly into their eyeballs! Eventually... possibly... in some distant dystopian future where logic doesn't exist.

And those babies would probably become anti-Semites too, Mr. President. We know how you hate antisemitism and flag burning. Well, marijuana leads to both! Cannabis users are probably burning American flags right now while chanting about Palestine and converting innocent children to radical ideologies!

No, keeping cannabis illegal is the patriotic choice. We could maybe consider some light decriminalization, but we need it to remain federally illegal because there are bad players out there who will use legal weed to fund terrorism and... other scary things that keep me awake at night.

Trembling patriotically,
SAM (Still Afraid of Marijuana)

DPA: SAM Brings Unseasoned Potato Salad to Parties

Dear Mr. President,

SAM hasn't been right in the head for a long time now. They continue to spread lies and manipulate data to make their increasingly desperate points. It's really quite sad to watch.

The truth is, the American people – including Republicans – are tired of wars, and the longest-waged war in U.S. history is the War on Drugs. You ran on ending endless wars, Mr. President. Well, here's your chance to end the most expensive, least effective war of all time.

Furthermore, you've been talking about reducing pharmaceutical prices – well, they're expensive precisely because Big Pharma has a government-protected monopoly on drug manufacturing, distribution, and research thanks to the CSA. If you decentralized the whole process by descheduling cannabis, you'd make medicine cheaper for everyone while sticking it to those pharmaceutical executives.

SAM just wants you to be hated by the 70% of Americans who support cannabis legalization. They want your opponents to call you a sellout to corporate interests. Don't listen to them, Mr. President – they're the kind of people who bring unseasoned potato salad to parties and complain about the music being too loud.

With growing impatience,
DPA (Actually Fun at Parties)

EPILOGUE: The Weight of History in McDonald's Wrappers

Meanwhile, in the Oval Office...

President Trump sits behind the Resolute Desk, surrounded by stacks of letters from advocacy groups, think tanks, and concerned citizens. The weight of decision hangs heavy in the air – heavier than the stack of McDonald's wrappers in his wastebasket.

"Sir," his aide interrupts, "you have that cannabis rescheduling decision to make. The letters keep pouring in."

Trump picks up the latest missive from SAM, then the response from DPA, shaking his head as he reads their increasingly frantic exchanges.

"These people are writing to me like I'm Santa Claus," he mutters. "One group wants me to put cannabis on the naughty list forever, the other wants me to give everyone legal weed for Christmas."

He leans back in his chair, contemplating a decision that could reshape American drug policy for generations. His next move would either cement his legacy as the president who finally ended cannabis prohibition, or the one who doubled down on a failed war that's raged for over fifty years.

The pen hovers over the decision memo as the fate of millions of Americans hangs in the balance...

To be continued...