It’s the Big Game! Thirty-two NFL teams have battled for an entire season and it all comes down to this weekend. And you could care less! Because really, the game is just an excuse to park your ass on the couch and smoke bowls for 3-5 hours.

So how does the discerning stoner decide which team to root for? Let’s break it down by category:

CITY

Broncos: Okay, this seems like a no-brainer, right? The Broncos play in Denver, one of the few places in America where you can just walk right into the store and pick up a few grams of blackberry kush like you’re buying milk.

Panthers: Medicinal marijuana laws have consistently been voted down. Plus, the stadium in Charlotte is owned by Bank of America and their owner looks like this:

WINNER: BRONCOS. It’s a no-brainer for a reason.

QBs

Peyton Manning: He’s as straight as they come, or so you would think. When Peyton’s wife was accused of receiving HGH supplements on his behalf, his face turned redder than a nug of Red Dragon. However….as a the owner of over 20 Papa John’s franchises in Denver, Peyton is surprisingly cool with Colorado's weed laws.

Cam Newton: He dabs. But it has nothing to do with weed. There’s actually very little evidence of Cam’s 420 friendliness. But by making plays with his feet as well as his arm, Cam cares more about entertainment value than any other QB out there. That’s worth it’s weight in Sour Diesel right?. He pisses off the football establishment because they think he’s cocky, but isn’t that what makes him so much fun?

WINNER: CAM. Peyton only likes weed because it puts more money in his pocket.

UNIFORMS

Let’s face it, when it comes to the 420 perspective, most NFL uniforms leave a lot to be desired. The Broncos and Panthers are no exception. Both of their logos are too modern, overthought and corporate. The Steelers uniform is old-school badass and the Dolphins have an oddly soothing turquoise color palatte. The only thing to be thankful for is that the league isn’t subjecting us to their bad trip Color Rush uniforms.

WINNER: Broncos, I guess. At least they USED to have cool uniforms when Elway played for them.

NETWORK

The game is on CBS this year. That means we’re going to be subjected to hours of Jim Nantz and Phil Simms. That means straight-down-the-middle, conservative boring play calling. If anything interesting happens, it’s automatically a “disgrace” to the game. They’re annoying hypocrites and they don’t make hidden references to gambling like Al Michaels does. Nantz and Simms are the most potent strain of boring in the game.

LOSER: America

COMMERCIALS

Obviously, the best part of the game. The goal here is usually to make you feel some kind of patriotism or nostalgia. And that’s okay. Even when they suck, at least they’re over in a minute or less. Just as long as there aren’t anymore dead kid commercials this year, we’re all gonna be okay.

WINNNER: All of us. But seriously, Nationwide Insurance… No more of this.

POSTGAME

It’s Stephen Colbert! He’s fun. He’s politically progressive. He’s brilliant. He’s not an episode of New Girl guest-starring Prince.

LOSER: My keyboard for not being able to type in the symbol for The Artist Formerly Known As Prince.

IN CONCLUSION

It’s probably going to be a blowout. Peyton can barely stand. His arm has all the strength of a newborn. And the Panthers defense is bonkers. On paper, it seems like the Broncos don’t stand a chance.

Our greatest hope as stoners is that something out of the ordinary happens: Another power outage. Another Helmet Catch. Another Nipplegate.

Root for the Panthers. They’re younger and more fun and the people in Colorado will be getting high whether they win or lose, so let’s root for the other guys.

And if it sucks…Well, there’s always the Puppy Bowl.

The Super Bowl For Stoners - What You Need To Know