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Soccer Mom

Confessions Of A Stoned, Suburban Soccer Mom

Getting Stoned Is Hard For A Mother In the Suburbs

Posted by Oaktree on Monday Feb 15, 2016
  1892 Views  /    2 Lights

Confessions of A Suburban, Stoner Soccer Mom...

 

 

I have a confession to make.  I live in the suburbs, have 3 kids, drive a minivan, and I want to get stoned.  I want to get stoned as stress relief, instead of hitting the wine isle like all the other Moms.  I want to get stoned for my sore neck and recurring hip pointer.  I know that the other Moms and will think I am a terrible parent and "druggie" if I tell anyone.  Here are the problems with being a suburban soccer mom and wanting to get stoned.

 

1. Social Attitudes, Sorry, Judgments.  - Sure the walls are crumbling down around cannabis, but not fast enough in the suburbs I live in.  In the upper class, East Coast town I live in, we are judged as parents all the time.  How our kids behave in public, how they do in school, how they do in sports, how they look, and how they grow up.  The judgments don't stop there, in another way the competition continues to what kind of car you drive (Mom's get a pass with minivans mostly), how big your house is, and all the usual "who has more stuff" norms.  You see, in the suburbs, it is okay for a busy and tired Mom to have a glass of wine or two, in fact, "Mommy juice" is a running joke.   If that same Mom said she smoked a "J" after the kids went down, well, you are a druggie, pot head, bad parent, addict, etc.

 

2.  Women Don't Want The Munchies -  Weight gain and body tone is hard enough after 40, but adding the cravings and munchies that come from smoking a nice sativa hybrid, well that would be too much.  Do you pick your poison with the wine and margarita calories, or do you smoke and eat a bag of Doritos and popcorn?  We need a weed that doesn't give you the munchies.   A "Skinny Girl" Weed as Bethany Frankel is working on as she branches out of her famous Skinny Girl cocktail drinks.  We want to get high, forget about our daily stresses for an hour or so, but not pig out on the kids' bag of goldfish at 11pm.

 

3.  Mom's Can't Get Caught Smoking, Too Much Evidence - Suburban Moms need edibles.  Smoking creates too much evidence for the neighbors and also brings you back to hiding your stash at 16 years old.  You just need one wandering child who wants a glass of water 35 minutes after bed time to bring the whole house crumbling down.   We need edibles, they are discreet, no mess, no smoke, no hiding pipes or bongs.   If suburban Moms are going to find out how "Stella Got Her Groove Back", we need to be discreet and not need an open window and fan.  Ironically, you can have a few glasses of wine in front of your kids (and they see that alcohol is okay), but if you smoked a joint, well hell hath no fury on what you are teaching them.

 

4.  We Can't Be Sneaking Around In Back Allies - Right now, at least on the East Coast, getting a card requires you to go to a "fringe" doctor as major insurance companies block all the doctors on their network from issuing medical marijuana cards.  So instead of hitting your local doctor's office or having a quick appointment, get ready to drive an extra 45 minutes somewhere, wait in a few different rooms, answer questions, and then get issued a card.  Dispensaries, though plentiful in California, are lacking on the East Coast and suffer from "NIMBY" politics.  The "Not In My BackYard" theory that applies to sex shops, also applies to dispensaries, so you will be going to some out of the way places to get your stash.

As a busy Mom with 3 kids, like all Moms, we have 400 things to do when the kids are at school, and we just don't have the time to pick up the dry cleaning, grocery shop, go to the school teacher meeting, hit the gym, drive a senior to a doctor's appointment, get dinner ready, and then, go find a dispensary.  If you are a working mother that has a job that you actually get paid to do, than just add up what I said and multiply it by 10. 

We need easy access, we need our own doctors to be able to write out cards (they have no problem giving out Valium, Xanax and other drugs for stress and depression) and we need dispensaries to be much more centrally located, and not pushed out onto the block where I buy my vibrator.

 

 

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