Close Encounters of the Swine Kind – Getting Busted
“I never eat a pig cuz a pig is a cop” – House of Pain
Okay, so not all cops are bad. I have a had the pleasure of meeting a few police officers that were quite illuminated in regards to cannabis consumption and the whole war on drugs deal. However, they are scarce among the “boys in blue”.
For the most part, cops will enforce the law regardless of the insanity of the laws. When it comes to cannabis consumption, most cops will hone in on you like a fly discovering a fresh puddle of vomit.
Stoners avoid cops like the plague because for starters they don’t want to get busted, and secondly it’s a total buzz kill!
If you’re careful, you should be able to avoid “the swine kind” by not toking up in public spaces but then again, sometimes you just want to smoke a blunt sitting somewhere in nature enjoying all that surrounds you. And in those times, you might find yourself defending your actions to a person who can take your liberty away or take some money out of your pocket with fines and what not.
What I do when dealing with the “Swine-Kind”
Please don’t think that what I’m about to tell you will work every time. Every situation is different and it’s important to read the moment and take the best course of action. At times, merely being quiet is all you can do, but at times there are a few tricks you can pull out from your sleeve.
Appeal to their humanity – It has taken me years to perfect this technique and I have had a good record of accomplishment on pulling this one off. When a police officer arrives on a scene, he will assume the narrative of “someone breaking the law” vs “Johnny Law”. My first goal is to break down this perspective and create a more “human” element to the situation. In other words, I begin to distract him from ‘what’s going on’ to ‘what I want him to focus on’. It takes patience and a keen eye on body movements and posture to know whether your magic is doing its trick. I highly recommend reading a few books on N.L.P to help with your training (young Jedi) “These are not the stoners you seek”
Challenge the “crime” – Another strategy I implement when dealing with the cops in a sticky situation is to challenge the validity of the crime I’m being accused of. Of course they are 100% correct in asserting that I ‘broke the law’, but my goal is to convince them that the ‘law’ should be broken based on pure principle of freedom. You must understand that most cops are wired to think in a ‘nationalistic-oath to country’ mentality. I in turn use this paradigm to convince them that to uphold this law in essence goes against the very values they swore to protect. I spin stories of Nazi Germany and how people merely ‘following orders’ helped create the horror show that came to pass. If there weren’t ‘hero cops’ who stood up against a corrupt system…then we all would be doomed in the end. In some cases, cops simply told me, “Yeah, yeah…just get out of here and I don’t want to see you here anymore!”
ABOVE ALL stay calm – Finally, if there is one piece of advice I can give you it is that throughout whatever happens, remain calm and collect. Cops thrive on fear, it’s like their own variation of the “munchies”. They can’t get enough of it! If you’re calm and stay calm, regardless of the threats they throw at you and the potential penalties you might be facing, they will have a harder time to get what they want…you to fold! Say as little as possible, remain calm and show no fear. This usually throws them off their game and allows you to implement the two strategies
I mentioned above.
By no means do I guarantee that this will work. For me, it has worked a few times and a few times it failed. Fortunately, I managed to escape any real damage to my good name and have a clean record, but I did come close a few times when I was younger. These days, I’m way more relaxed and have no need to smoke in public places. I haven’t dealt with the police in this fashion in many years. However, when I was still a green stoner, I had my run ins with them several time and learned a thing or two.
Remember, cops are people too…they “feel and care about things” and if you can understand their value system, you can use it to your advantage. That’s all I’m saying.
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