A Cautionary Tale of Cotton Mouth

Cannabis Cottonmouth During Sexy Time? Yes, It Can Happen from CannabisNet on Vimeo.

Everyone has an enhancement smoker in their social circle. Thanks to Half Baked and the prodigious Jon Stewart, we all have a phenomenal working definition of the term. As an aside, I would like to take a second to say that I hate the enhancement smoker character in the movie. Obviously, Jon Stewart was driving the annoying tendencies home for the audience, and might I say, well played sir. Jon Stewart is a still a god amongst men so that comment obviously doesn’t direct any shade towards him. Back to business…for those of you who don’t know or are too lazy to access YouTube, your typical enhancement smoker is the kind who derives an excess amount of pleasure from first getting high and essentially doing anything afterward.

Pretty hard to deny that the statement is true (aside from being arrested, that will ruin most highs immediately, but we’ll save that for another day). Life is great, but being high in a variety of instances is just next level living. Today, ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to discuss the topic of having sex when you’re good and toasted.

Stoned or not, sex can go any number of ways ranging from life-changing to downright disappointing. I want to key in on a particular nuance first. I remember watching this movie titled Big that starred Tom Hanks. Cut to the supposed sex scene, and based on the plot of the movie, the question of leaving the lights on or off during sex basically ruins the moment (at least for me it did, if they had sex, they burnt out any worthwhile intensity fucking with the lights instead of each other). I’m not one to really care either way about lighting, but don’t even tell me you’ve never left the lights on and looked at the other person in the eyes, and then noticed the insane amount of red-eye. I mean some of us show off red-eye worse than others, but some people’s eyes start to look like they’re just a sea of red and bloodshot to the point of insanity.

Now, I could handle this if I was straight, but you damn well know I’m not. So here I am trying to keep a straight face, talking filthy, and here she is with her eyes bleeding out of her face trying to talk dirty back at me. There’s been two occasions where I laughed…hard. Needless to say, these were instances that the sex was less than par for the course. If you haven’t already noticed this, do yourself a huge comedic favor and give it a go. Whether you get off in the end is up to you.

Yeah, I'll go there. Let's talk about female ejaculation

Now for a highly debated topic, female ejaculation. Yes, this ties in to being high, I bet you’re just crawling the walls with anxiety now.

Either personally or by association, we’re aware of a girl who supposedly squirts. I had heard of it, and I got busy on a first date with a girl who claimed she did. She stopped me before we got that far so I didn’t find out anything right away. Long story short, we meet up about a week later and end up in bed. Now, I’m a few too many dabs deep which along with horrible cotton mouth has me really focusing on getting the job done (sarcasm heavily included). Going down on a girl is a nightmare in this situation, but I’m a gentleman.

Now mind you, I took this “squirting” situation entirely NOT seriously. Didn’t believe it, and I was sure it was BS. Like any top tier stoner, I take another sip of water in an attempt to cut back the cotton mouth, and I just keep doing what I do. She gets to that point, and I’m thinking to myself that I hope she’s really there because I’m done, commitment lost. I’m probably half focused (maybe less), thinking I should have just went straight to sex, but I thought this was a better alternative!? I’m immediately brought back to reality by something totally unexpected. I get hit on/in the mouth with what can be described as nothing other than warm liquid. The look on my face must have been priceless because I was somewhere between pressing on and gathering my incredibly scattered thoughts. I don’t know if my being high was a benefit, and as I’m writing this story to a group of total strangers, I still wonder if this chick peed on me.

I did a massive amount of research following the ordeal, and I’m still not entirely sure. Not that it gives me night terrors, but every so often I find myself in the middle of a staff meeting at the office feeling like I may have had liberties taken with my better judgment. I still slept with her a few times after that so I suppose that answers any question about it. Thankfully, short term memory loss is a gift I give myself regularly.

There will be more stoned sexcapade stories coming, stay tuned. Until then, share one of cannabis related stories...

Can You Get Cotton Mouth During Sex?