One of last night’s episode of Fox’s “New Girl” saw two of its main characters get high, and it was just as magical as I’d expect it to be (the show went bold with a two-parter that showed two takes on the same night). Apparently the lovely Miss Jessica Day only smokes weed once every ten years. Considering the antics that she gets into (clearly she’s found a great sativa strain like Candyland or Charlotte’s Web), every ten years is probably plenty. Especially since Cece reminds her that she almost dies every time. Though, I wouldn’t mind seeing a few more episodes like “A Chill Day In” which find Jess and Cece alone in their apartment attempting to celebrate Cece’s impending nuptials with a girlie day.

Jess starts the party by pulling a “little green chimney” out of her bag, along with nail polish and comfy socks. It’s surprising that Jess would smoke out of a bong, though. As anyone who saw Zooey Deschanel perform as part of She & Him at SXSW a few years ago, real-life Jess doesn’t like the crowd to smoke around the stage because it might hurt her sweet lady dove voice. I can totally see her getting down on some sort of ridiculous S’mores brownies or something, though.

After the ladies light up, we learned:

That “Giggle Dirt” is a great nickname for cannabis. It definitely doesn’t seem like they got dirt weed, though, as they seem to remain high for most of the day. “Oh scoot” is also an appropriate equivalent of “oh snap.”

“Return of High Jess” sings along perfectly on top of Mark Morrison’s “Return of the Mack.”

That as much as Cece loves Schmidt, she would throw it all away for Gilbert on Anne of Green Gables (a little OGG, as Cece put it) -- she would ruin her life for him. Apparently he’s a real stud, as Jess finds his lips very sexual. 

“The very fact that socks exist is proof that shoes don’t work,” according to Cece.

That Jess becomes a superhear-o when she takes off her glasses, just eating up sounds with her ear mouths, because apparently her hearing gets better that way. 

That sexually harassing mailmen is way more fun and funny when you’re high. Then again, what isn’t? The best pickup line comes from Cece: “Your calves look like a snake swallowed a bag of ropes-you know that, right?”

That our mortality may find itself hiding in a cardboard box. Jess poses a question on the nature of delivery packages when she tells Cece to wait to open a box: “What if inside of it is us, but we’re older?” 

That Jess’ feminist speeches are so much more powerful when she’s high because she actually uses words that are culturally relevant like “wifey” and “simple bitch.”

From there the two proceed to get into a wild array of trouble of their own making, destroying a bread maker then taking a trip to the mall in an attempt to replace it. There they run into Aly (who they had already run into, but don’t remember).

The second song pun comes in at this point, as the ladies attempt to steal the floor model of the bread maker that they destroyed. Having “Feel Like Baking Love” stuck in your head for the rest of the night is way, way worse than having “Return of High Jess” in there, so I suggest skipping back to the Mark Morrison part when the episode is over.

Back to our highducation...

That grabbing snacks is a priority over everything else when you’re high, even at the risk of getting caught stealing. But I think we already knew that.

“For the love of Mack Daddy, why can’t you be cool?” is another Jessism that should definitely be added to everyone’s repertoire.

That thinking about a baby in a raincoat/a baby meteorologist is enough to keep a high person happy for a while. I can dig that. Though I’d much rather see a bulldog puppy in a raincoat. Or this bulldog puppy reacting to his first encounter with rain. 

That this episode cannot possibly have enough puns. My particular favorite was Jess exclaiming “that’s a lot of dough” and then trying to wink while Cece and Aly discuss the $1200 price tag of the bread maker that they just tried to steal. 

That baby shoes make great weapons when attempting an escape from mall jail.

Finally, that drinking white port and cough syrup with Gore Vidal sounds like a really great time. Also that white port exists. Sounds like it might combine well with some Berry White for quite a lovely evening…