The Average Day of a Stoner Hobbit in the Shire
I’d like to preface this article with the caution to “not try this”, even though, I know that by the mere existence of this article some of you might make a challenge out of it. I know I wouldn’t if I was a younger stoner.
Nonetheless, I did find this to be something fresh and out of the ordinary to work on, and so, I will help this meme gain some wings
So what am I talking about?
While I was doing my typical research to provide you all with fine material such as this, I stumbled upon one user’s submission to the Subreddit R/Trees. Essentially, the OP prompted ChatGPT to come up with a “weed smoking schedule” in accordance with the “eating schedule” of the fictional Tolkien Hobbits.
The result was a daunting mountain of stoned-ness that would have inspired my younger self to try to attempt it. These days, I have too many responsibilities to simply gift a day to cannabis in such excess, however, I know there’s going to be a stoner out there one summer, in their home with nothing better to do than get stoned.
So for that bored stoner, that has nothing planned and would like to test the depth of their tolerance to weed, I introduce to you the “Hobbit Stoning Schedule.
As you can see, this is a “whole day event” and if you would like to take it to the next level, you should be watching the whole Lord of the Rings Series as you attempt this quest. I guess you could decide whether you’d watch LOTR, or The Hobbit movies…but that is not necessarily needed to complete the challenge. Dressing as a Hobbit is optional!
I say, all you need to do to successfully achieve your “Hobbit Smoking Badge”, you simply have to follow the schedule posted above.
And to help you get into the spirit of it all, I created this fictional account of a Hobbit named “Bongbo Baggies” who will help you understand the way of the hobbit!
The Average Day of a Stoner Hobbit in the Shire
In the charming villages of the Shire lived a tribe of hobbits particularly fond of the pipeweed grown in their sunny fields. Foremost among them was old Bongbo Baggies, an elder stoner revered for his mighty lungs and enthusiastic consumption of the sweet leaf.
One morning as the Sun peered over the hills of Buckland, Bongbo awoke, eager to begin his day in the time-honored hobbit fashion. Reaching for his trusty wizard bong Gandalf the Green, he packed a fresh bowl of Hairy Took kush and took a mighty rip, holding it in to savor the flavor.
After exhaling a ring of smoke, Bongbo felt ready for second breakfast. He headed to the kitchen to vape a sativa cartridge while cooking some toasted croissants dripping with honey. The terpenes opened his appetite and banished any sluggishness.
Soon elevenses arrived, the hour of eating and smoking between breakfast and luncheon. Bongbo whipped up a batch of cannabis-infused smoothies, blending together fruit, juice, yogurt, and a hearty sprinkle of ground indica bud. This infused his body and mind with calm vibrations.
By noon Bongbo was ready for a snack to carry him to luncheon. He ate fresh figs and apricots from the market while ingesting an edible, feeling their energies synergize. An uplifted euphoria flowed through him, mingling with the sounds of nature.
When midday hunger arrived, Bongbo sat down to a luncheon of mushroom pie baked lovingly by his dear cousin Tooky. Alongside it he sipped a ginger tincture infused with wizard-grown cannabinoids. The pie and tincture combined to send his spirit soaring on clouds of joy.
In the afternoon Bongbo met up with friends at the Green Dragon Inn, a legendary hobbit hotbox. They passed around Old Toby and shared laughed until Bongbo's belly began to rumble. He excused himself for afternoon tea.
At home awaited scones clotted with cream and tart raspberry jam. Bongbo toasted them while taking hits from his Gandalf bong. Sweet, buttery flavors danced on his tongue as the Flower of the Westfast haze flowered in his mind.
By supper Bongbo was flying high, ready to feast. He cooked an elaborate meal of roast chicken glazed with a kushy herb butter. Alongside were roasted autumn vegetables and fluffy biscuits. Bongbo poured a deep cabernet infused with indica to complement the savory dishes.
Full from the hearty fare, Bongbo retired to his armchair, packing a fresh bowl in his intricately carved willow-wood pipe. He blew smoke rings above his head, watching them turn into little dancing elves and gnomes frolicking in the air.
But when the clock struck eight, Bongbo's appetite was rekindled. A spread of pot brownies topped with vanilla ice cream sounded just right. He devoured the delicious edibles, licking the plate clean. A deep sense of wellness washed over Bongbo as he rubbed his full belly, soon to be asleep and dreaming.
And so ended a perfect day for this contented Halfling. His kin may have called him a stoner, but through the bounty of the Shire, cannabis brought communion, camaraderie, and childlike wonder back into his life. Bongbo wouldn't have had it any other way. There were few troubles that the plant's graces could not wash away.
Things to Remember:
If you’re going to attempt this insanity, let’s walk you down through some of the things to look out for. After all, this is a Hobbit schedule, no mere human could follow in the mighty footsteps of Bonbo.
Firstly, if you were to attempt this, I highly encourage doing a trial run where you literally just take small doses. This is going to accumulate and odds are that you’ll either at one point get tired and fall asleep, or the weed might just become a singular long deep body high that will get you couch locked for most of the day.
Therefore, pace yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint. For example, just take a small hit of the vape when you wake and bake. Make the edibles a bit weaker…which brings me to my next point.
Prepare your stuff ahead of the time. Speaking from experience, when you get to a certain point – you don’t really want to be cooking. Therefore, I highly recommend preparing your hobbit meal ahead of the time. This will allow you to simply go through the experience without needing to worry about prepping anything.
This includes your space. Odds are that you’re going to want to hunker down in a particular spot. Therefore, prepare rooms, water, etc. Anything you’ll need to deal with whatever comes your way. For example, “a dark room” could be a perfect place to mellow out a deep brownie high. You just got to have some soft pillows, relaxing music – fresh air…and you can trip there for a few hours in between toking sessions.
Furthermore, I highly recommend putting the smoking sessions on a pre-determined alarm schedule. You want your phone to tell you what time it is. This will help you keep track of the process since being stoned can make your time perception go a bit wonky. You might think hours have gone by, when in fact mere minutes turtled forward.
Do not do this if this is your first time. You’ll be bound to green out and will probably not want to try weed again. This is a challenge for seasoned stoners. You should have already have eaten edibles on a few occasions, you should already have dabbed.
If you’re fresh to cannabis – this will in all likeliness knock you out. Even seasoned stoners know that the proposed challenge is heavy and it’s not something that should be taken lightly. You’re going to get REALLY high, so be prepared for that.
If shit gets too whacky for you, you won’t be able to “stop”, you’ll have to ride it out. Typically, novices panic pre-peak, meaning, they want to “get off the ride” but the ride hasn’t reached the zenith yet. In these cases, go to the dark room, remove as much stimuli as possible, and focus in on your breathing.
I wrote extensive guides on Greening out, you should read that prior to attempting this crazy shit. This also means that you don’t want to have newbies with you if you’re going to attempt this. You want stoners that know how to handle their shit, that know their own limits, that understand what they are attempting.
I would also have some CBD on hand. If you get really stoned, you can use a few drops in a tincture to level out the high. However, you’re going to also want to learn how to do some basic calming breathing techniques. It’s probably one of your best weapons when you’re faced with a “OMFG” moment.
Just inhale for four seconds, and exhale for six…and keep this rhythm while only focusing on how the air goes in and out. Whatever thoughts that are happening in your head are typically not your own, just your conscious mind tripping the hell out.
If you follow these suggestions, you should in all likeliness be able to get through the session and become an honorary stoner hobbit. It could also be a great way to do 420 with your friends. Of course, always be safe and cautious when consuming anything.
This challenge is something that I would not attempt myself, but I think that there would be some stoners who would find this appealing. If I’m going out of commission for a day, I’d prefer 2-3 hits of acid or 5-7 grams of mushrooms and take a plunge into the strange. But that’s me.
For those who will attempt this, let me know in the comments wherever you read this. Maybe you can meet up with some fellow hobbits and make a thing of it!