These 'Game of Thrones' Characters Seriously Need Medical Marijuana

The world of “Game of Thrones” is a very stressful one, what with all of the warring, plotting, and burning people at the stake. Most of the citizens of George R. R. Martin’s books/HBO’s acclaimed drama could use a good toke every now and then to deal with the daily trials of life, but these particular characters seem most in need of a little medical marijuana after the events of Season 5.

So many spoilers for Season 5 are ahead. Spoilers are worse than spilling dirty bong water on a white carpet, and I seriously don’t want to kill anyone’s buzz by revealing too much, so YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!!!

Ruling over a city of slaves and former masters is no easy task for Daenerys Targaryan, even with a strong council by her side. Having to execute her allies and enemies at the same time can certainly take its toll. Fire OG is the perfect strain for the Mother of Dragons. Obviously, she knows a little about fire, but this strain is effective in paranoia treatment, helping her focus on her myriad real problems and not the ones that her brain creates. Since it’s recommended that Fire OG be used at night, it’s perfect for her and Daario Naharis to spark up in a beautiful dragon-shaped piece before he takes off his clothes. Let’s just hope she stashed some away before getting taken captive by the Dothraki at the end of Season 5. She’s likely going to need some stress relief soon.

One might think that Red Dragon would be the natural choice for the Mother of Dragons, but it’s not. The sativa-dominance in this strain often leads to the giggles, which is just not queenly behavior. Instead, we recommend Red Dragon for Grey Worm-he’s still team dragon, and that poor guy could really use a laugh, especially after all he’s been through in Season 5. Plus, can’t you just see him passing over a joint to Missandei and her giggling adorably as she tries to teach him English? It’s also a great medicinal strain that helps with stress, pain, inflammation, and stress -- all of which Grey Worm has plenty of in his life.

Surely there’s something out there that can help Ser Jorah Mormont battle his creeping case of greyscale before he becomes one of the Stone Men. We know that Stannis Baratheon managed to find someone in the Seven Kingdoms who could stop the spread on Shireen’s face (doesn’t seem worth it now does it, Father of the Year?) so there’s hope for Jorah, yet. In the meantime, he should probably just chill with the dragons and puff on a joint of White Fire OG. It will keep him happy, uplifted, and pain-free while he waits for a cure and continues to pine for Dany.

Few citizens of Westeros are as well known for enjoying getting a good buzz as Tyrion Lannister, and Lions Gate is a perfect choice for the Little Lion. It offers him a good full body buzz that pairs well with whatever type of booze he happens to be drinking on and will help him chill out if he ever gets kidnapped or stuck travelling in a box again. The uplifting buzz will also help stimulate focus and creativity, so he can continue to use it regularly while advising Daenerys; That is, if she ever makes it back.

If ever there were a case of PTSD that needed treating, it’s the heavy physical and mental trauma that Theon Greyjoy/Reek is dealing with. Trainwreck is perfect for him both in name (this guy is the very definition of the word) and treatment regimen. The description of Trainwreck in our strains index describes it perfectly: “Trainwreck begins its speedy hurtle through the mind with a surge of euphoria, awakening creativity and happiness. Migraines, pain, and arthritis are mowed down by Trainwreck’s high THC content, and many patients also use it for relief of anxiety, ADD/ADHD, and PTSD.” He’ll need to pack his herb away in a dugout as he scurries away from Winterfell in hopes of finding peace and forgiveness from the Stark family.

Now you know Olenna Tyrell, with her dry wit and acerbic tongue, loves to take a rough but ladylike bong rip in her rose gardens every now and then. She’s complained to the High Sparrow about her troublesome hips and as the Lord of Highgarden and Warden of the South, she’s likely got a few stresses on her shoulders. She’s a rare bird, just like Rose Kush which will help her control her pain, muscle spasms, and daily stresses, along with the regular headaches that must come with having a blubbering son and two grandchildren who keep finding themselves in troublesome situations.

Being the most cunning, manipulative man in the realm can become mentally exhausting, and Lord Petyr Baelysh has accomplished a lot by the end of Season 5, but you can’t run the most dangerous game in Westeros without a little relaxation every now and then. A long toke from a repurposed opium pipe full of Bordello would be perfect for Littlefinger, considering the industry that brought him so much success. This strain gives both a strong head high and body buzz, perfect for a momentary getaway from the weight of the world, plus a little relief from all of the head pressure from his big brain.

If anyone is going to fire one up just for fun, it’s Melisandre. This Red Woman is not afraid of her sexuality or impending war (until her king goes off and gets killed) so it’s easy to imagine her leaning over a pit of fire to spark up a joint full of Red Dragon. She abandoned her stag at the end of Season 5, so maybe she will find herself supporting Daenerys’ claim (or Jon’s?) soon enough. While she figures out the rest of her life, she can enjoy the sweet berry notes and floral undertones of this hybrid strain.

We all know that Cersei Lannister loves her wine. Like really, really loves it. But after that brutal walk of shame at the end of Season 5, she’s going to need something much, much stronger to deal with the trauma and pain that she will deal with and the even worse depression that is to come after discovering the fate of her daughter. Hand that lady a nice spliff made up of White Widow to help her deal with the nausea, pain, stress, and lack of appetite that she’ll surely be suffering through during Season 6.

Although he’s more of a golden lion, Jaime Lannister would do well with a bit of Golden Goat. This strain will help with the depression he’s surely about to fall into after bonding with and subsequently losing his only daughter. There’s also that whole missing hand thing that probably still hurts, so pain treatment is very necessary. It would make for some great television to see Ser Jaime have a new hand modified to hold a dab tool and just watch him go to town with a torch.

Since Ellaria Sand is such a fan of using poison to do her dirty work, she and the Sand Snakes should give Durban Poison a try using a bong full of liquid from the Water Gardens. It can help them to relax and take their minds off of mourning Prince Oberyn, yet keep them sharp enough to ward off any sneak attacks that are likely to come their way now that Ellaria has murdered Myrcella. Who are we kidding? They’re never going to stop plotting their revenge, so fortunately for them this strain helps with productivity, creativity, and uplifting the mind and body.

Poor Arya Stark is going to have some trouble getting around in Season 6 now that she’s been blinded for assassinating Ser Meryn Trant, so maybe she should try a gummy edible made with Jack the Ripper. We certainly don’t want her to burn herself trying to light something she can’t see. Jack the Ripper is a perfect strain for her since it helps with glaucoma and pain, plus there’s that whole she pretended to be a whore to kill someone and Jack the Ripper liked to kill whores.

Finally, no matter how magical marijuana is as a medicine, it just plain cannot bring back the dead, so we’re hoping that Melisandre or something else manages to bring Jon Snow back from that fatal betrayal. When he awakens, hopefully someone is there for him with a nice pot brownie made with Northern Lights. A recently dead man certainly needs his strength and a nice chocolate treat seems well deserved after a long trip of battling white walkers and then coming back from the dead. Since he’s a man of the north, Northern Lights seems the perfect fit, especially to help with the chronic pain that he will have to deal with after all of those damned stab wounds and the sleepless nights that will come with seeing Olly’s eyes staring into his.

Here’s hoping that R+L=J Theory is true and by the end of the Season 6 premiere we’re toasting and toking to Jon Snow’s good health and to a great season of television to come.

What will you be smoking for the GoT Season 7 premiere?

Game of Thrones' Characters Seriously Need Medical Marijuana